Phobia

Did you know I'm afraid of being alone? I'm terrified of being all by myself, my friends and family having left me behind because they realize exactly how I am. I'm a huge contradiction. I'm really not sure how to explain it except there is an inner me, a dry shriveled and hateful beast. And an outer me, a thick layered happy person, a wall of smiles and jokes and laughter to keep people for knowing the inner nasty me. I've gotten so good at covering up the inner me that I sometimes forget she's there, waiting for just the right nudge to come tumbling out.

She's there, waiting for me to snap and yell, fight, even hit. I can't contain her because I keep feeding her. All my hate and sorrow, all my burning desires and painful memories. She's why I forget words, words have meanings and those meanings lead to other words, words I'd rather forget. So I do. But because of this I wander around and in mid conversation I have to stop for a moment or two just to figure out the word I wanted was 'House' or 'Cloud' or something so trivial it's funny. It's a great joke to others and I use it as such so I don't have to explain that 'House' reminds me of my old home, sitting on the stairs at the age of 8 while my parents scream at each other not but ten feet away. Or that 'Cloud' reminds me of how I used to be, young and always happy.

That does seem to be the time that the inner me and outer me where created. We had just moved to North Carolina from Wisconsin for my mother's work. I don't remember a happy time in that house during those first couple of years but I'm sure we laughed and played some time. It seems like ever sense then my life has just been one train wreck after another. My parents divorce was the biggest thing, they where both so nasty to each other and I was torn between wanting them both and wanting to run away. I never wanted to live with any of my immediate family. It would just continue. I drew plans to go to the other coast, to go back to Wisconsin. Nothing ever came of it. I'm a coward even though most see me as strong. The inner me is a coward while the outer me is a hero. I hate the outer me but if I was to be the inner me then no one would love me anymore. Or worse yet they would pity me. God. I don't want pity. I want strong arms to hold me. I want small ones to hold and I want everyone to keep loving me as long as I can be outer me and not leave me all alone when that facade breaks.