Recent is to varying a word. It could mean from five moments ago to two years prior. so I won't say that I recently turned eighteen, I'll say that I turned eighteen on February 9th. It was almost four months ago that I moved out of my father and step mother's house and into the house of a family who has been my own for at least eight years. It's only by the grace of them that I'm not on the street. That sounds morbid but just like the word 'recent' you cant judge it by first appearance or your own perspective on it's meaning. I'd like to think that I'm not a complex person, not someone you have to sit down for hours with just to figure out which way their wind blows, but I will say that I contain a vast amount of stupid, pig headed pride. My father and step-mother could barely support themselves when I left, my sister and brothers are either in college, just out of college or in the Marine corps. I could no more put a strain on them then I had to.

In my panic to get out of the house I did something terrible. I ran to others that could support me, begged for help which they gave freely. I took advantage of their being well off so my first family wouldn't have to pay for me anymore. I used them.

I have to admit that using people doesn't bother me that much. I use and manipulate people all the time to get what I want. Generally speaking it's nothing harmless, a free fountain drink, a ride home, nothing to expensive or awful. But I feel a deep regret when I stop to think about what I've done. It drives me to clean as much as I can while I look for a job, throw all my clothes in together to lessen the number of loads instead of sorting them out (something my bra's will never forgive me for). Anything I can to save a penny off of what they're already paying for me.

I new from the moment I put my bags down that I couldn't just leave. I can't leave until I can take care of myself in the vary least financially. The family I live with loves me as much as I love them and I couldn't just up and go someday like a cat that ran away, I'd like to think our connection is much deeper then that. I'd like to think that they would be sad and worried and even angry if I disappeared, they would probably call the police and form search parties. Though I'm not sure how much that's pushing what they would really do I can't cause them the grief by doing that. They took me in and helped me, if I just waste that then I'm throw that in their faces. So it's pride that brought me here, and it's pride that keeps me.

I have no job prospects, I have no hope of getting one in the current climate, my father has a master's degree and can't find one, So I'll continue to clean for them (and god do they need it)until I find something.

I think pride will be the death of me.